relationships Archives - The Relationship School®

How to Move on After Being Ghosted

Being ghosted sucks. And it can be a difficult thing to move on from when you’re the one who’s been ghosted.

It’s frustrating…and it hurts. But just like everything else, you can get through it, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

So when you’re in this situation, what’s the best way to move on after getting ghosted?

Make the Pain Your Neutral Companion

You’re going to feel a lot of things over time after you’ve been ghosted.

You’ll feel anger—maybe even rage. Frustration. Pain, loss, and of course, hurt. You might freak out, feel scared, and possibly even beat yourself up.

All of your feelings are okay; it’s normal to feel all of it. It’s a hurtful thing the other person did, and you’re allowed to feel that hurt.

And the best thing you can do in that situation is to accept whatever pain you feel. Be with it—your experience, your anger, all of it. Get comfortable with it and don’t resist it or run away from it.

When someone ghosts you, it’s an opportunity to get stronger.

It’s a vital thing for you to be with yourself and your experience, whatever you’re feeling at the time. That’s part of getting stronger.

Pain is a part of life, and it can always be used as a growth opportunity. It may be hard to think of at the time, but it’ll help you develop your relational chops the next time you start a relationship.

So feel the hurt, be with it, and accept it—and tell yourself it’s okay, because it is.

Get in Touch with Your Past

Amidst your pain, there’s another thing you can do that will help you move forward after being ghosted.

You can think of this ghosting experience as an opportunity for you to heal something from your past that’s triggering the pain.

Think about your history…maybe you had another relationship that ended with getting ghosted—or a parent who wasn’t in your life, left, or just wasn’t really there for you.

The key thing to do is to reflect on your history and think about whether this has happened to you before. I find that most people who have been ghosted by someone have a historical instance in their life that needs to be healed.

Acknowledging that event in your history is the first step toward healing and using the experiences to empower yourself for the future.

Check out this short video on moving on from ghosting:

Change Your Outlook on Relationships

This ghosting experience is a good time to recognize the importance of communication in relationships.

The truth is, ghosting and lack of communication are disrespectful. And even though you might want to talk to that person again, to try to give them another chance, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who won’t even give you the respect of good communication?

I know you may desperately want to hear from that person. But try to tell yourself that they don’t deserve your time.

You want a relationship where communication is mutual—and if it’s reciprocal, you won’t have to be the one reaching out to them all the time and feeling ignored.

Tell yourself that you want—and deserve—something better. Once you feel empowered and realize you want the respect of mutual communication, you’ll be better prepared for that next relationship where you’ve made progress toward healing and receiving the kind of communication you’re willing to give.

Progress Is Crucial

So cut yourself some slack because as you know, we’re all works in progress. Remember that every experience can be turned into a growth opportunity when you have the right mindset.

Allow your ghosting experience to be a learning and healing one, and you just might find yourself in a better position than before.

Want more support? Join our free Facebook group here and get a couple of awesome videos, too.
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Photo Credit: Thom Holmes – Unsplash

How to Deal with Relationship Burnout

What exactly is relationship burnout?

A lot of people feel burned out in their relationships because high-stakes relationships are downright hard.

Burnout happens to a certain group of people. Who are these people…and why do they experience relationship burnout?

Reasons Relationship Burnout Happens

Here’s the group of people I’m talking about: overfunctioners.

What is an overfunctioner? Someone who is doing the emotional labor in the relationship and someone who tracks and prioritizes the relationship. Overfunctioners are often strangely paired with underfunctioners.

When you’re carrying the relationship for both of you, you’re probably holding on to some resentment and frustration. Even if you haven’t admitted it to yourself, you probably resent the fact that your partner, friend, family member—whoever the other person is in the relationship—isn’t doing something. They just aren’t pulling their weight.

Maybe that person isn’t doing their part in the relationship, or maybe they aren’t doing what you would like them to do.

Either way, that’s where the marriage or relationship burnout stems from: resentment. In fact, the two are pretty much interchangeable.

How to Tell If You Have Relationship Burnout

Take a look at yourself and your relationship(s). Are you feeling exhausted, frayed, spent? Showing signs of emotional detachment?

Do you feel like you’re tired of working so hard on things all the time and you feel like it’s one-sided, that you’re putting all the effort into it? Do you think, “My relationship is stressing me out” often? These are sure signs of resentment and burnout.

It’s great that you’ve tried for a long time to improve your relationship—awesome, actually. It means you’re committed and that you want the best for the relationship.

You’re also stuck in a pattern of overfunctioning, and that’s not what’s best for you. It’s making things harder on you and wearing you out.

So what’s the solution in this situation?

Take a Break

Once you recognize your overfunctioning habit, it’s a good idea to take a break from it.

Before you try to change the other person or decide to leave your relationship, try to stop the pattern of overfunctioning. Do your best to let it go.

Try to practice breathing or setting a timer before you jump to what you usually do. Instead of making suggestions or requests, take that deep breath (or several of them) and set aside whatever you want to say.

It might feel difficult breaking the habit, but just like anything, you can train yourself to practice it.

Let the other person know that you’re going to take some time to focus on yourself instead—and that you’re not going to continue to ask them to be different than they are.

When you do that, it opens the door for you to love the person for who they truly are.

Here’s a quick video about relationship burnout:

Avoid Burnout in Your Relationships

So, if you’re feeling like you’re tired of being in a relationship or you might be on (or over) the edge of burnout in any relationships you’re in, it might be time to ask yourself some questions.

If you feel like you’re an overfunctioner, try to take these recommendations into account and see what happens. The best outcome would be that you feel more free, and that’s always a positive thing.

Also, you’ll have the opportunity to appreciate the other person for their personality instead of focusing on what they aren’t doing. That can be freeing for your relationship, and you’ll start to look at things differently.

When YOU finally change, instead of asking them to change, the whole relationship dynamic will change and you’ll feel empowered to co-create a new relational dynamic—or to leave the relationship entirely.

To learn three keys to working through conflict and improving communication, check out our free training here.
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Photo Credit: The HK Photo Company – Unsplash

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Even in the best of situations, relationships can be difficult. Most people would agree that they aren’t the easiest thing in the world to navigate, no matter how compatible you feel you and your partner are.

But there are some within the personal growth movement who adopt the school of thought that relationships should be easy—that it’s negative or pessimistic to say that they’re difficult. In fact, differing opinions on the subject frequently lead to debate.

I often say, though, that long-term relationships are complicated and hard. Marriage is probably the hardest. There are reasons I say that, so let’s take a little deeper look into whether relationships should be hard or easy.

Relationships Aren’t Easy—and “Easy” Is Relative

For someone who grows up with a secure attachment, as my wife and I have worked toward building with our own kids, relationships should be more straightforward. We place a high value on relationship and do our best to impart that value to our kids. That way, when they enter into long-term relationships as adults, it will be easier for them—but easy, like everything, is relative.

For the vast majority of us, relationships nowadays are a lot more complicated. A lot of us probably feel like we’re not easy to love. We often get triggered and upset in a stressful situation, and that’s where the complications begin.

There are a lot of factors involved, like our history and our childhood…past breakups and baggage…experiences we’ve had. And keep in mind it’s the same for your partner, which further convolutes adult relationships. Most of us wonder at some point, “Why is love so hard?”

Issues Have to Be Dealt with, Especially in Difficult Relationships

The good news is that when these issues come up—and they will come up at some point—it provides you with an opportunity for growth and healing. We all have emotional pain and injuries that probably aren’t dealt with, and of course, dealing with them is much healthier than avoiding them.

That’s why long-term relationships are a path to personal transformation as long as you approach challenges as a student. Each challenge gives you an opportunity to learn about yourself, your partner, and your relationship together.

As you start to communicate your needs, learn how to repair well after a conflict, and learn what works and doesn’t work for your partner, you create an incredible playground for you to build on.

But you know what? It’s work!

Here’s a quick video on the difficulty of relationships:

Challenge Always Leads to Growth

Relationships are complicated. Think of a relationship like a workout—yoga, CrossFit, Pilates, any type of workout. I don’t know any fitness person who would say their workout is easy. Otherwise, why would they do it?

Without challenge, there’s no progress. If you walk away from a workout without breaking a sweat or using a muscle, what’s the purpose of doing it?

As any weight lifter will tell you, once you get to the point where your workout is easy, it means you need to add more weight. If it’s easy, you’re doing something wrong. The point is to challenge yourself and grow—to become stronger in every way.

That’s the essence of a growth-oriented person—someone who loves to learn about themselves and challenge themselves to grow and keep growing.

Yes, Relationships Are Complicated, but Work Leads to Reward

So, if you approach relationships with the same mindset as you approach workouts, I think that’s a solid view. Are you a growth-oriented person? Are you ready to face challenges and continue on a path of self-understanding?

If you want to reap the benefits of your workouts—namely, health and strength, among other things—then you have to work for it in the long term. You have to stay on top of it and keep working for it.

And the same is true for difficult relationships. Relationships aren’t easy, but you can only reap the benefits as long as you’re willing to put in the work.

Later on, you’ll be thrilled to show off those toned and bulging relationship muscles—but keep adding that weight little by little to keep growing.

If you’d like to learn three keys to resolving conflict and disagreement quickly, check out this free training.
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Photo Credit: Odonata Wellnesscenter – Pexels

When Someone Says “Now’s Not a Good Time”

Have you ever approached your partner and asked them something only to have them fire back, “Now’s not a good time”…?

Hearing that typically doesn’t feel great, right? It’s a pretty good indication that the person is experiencing some irritation. Although that irritation may not be specifically directed at you, what your partner is doing is putting up a wall between you that probably makes you feel even more upset.

In some ways, it’s okay for the person to let you know the timing isn’t the greatest for them. They do have a right to put up a boundary, especially if they’re already stressed or overwhelmed with other things.

The key is, though, that they need to reassure you they’ll return to the conversation in the near future. And this would be evident with a few small changes to the way they get their feelings across to you.

So what would be a better option than “Now’s not a good time”—for the sake of communication and the feelings of the partner?

What Are They Really Saying?

When you bring your partner your emotions and their response is “Now isn’t a good time,” they’re communicating to you that they don’t want to deal with you—and probably hoping you’ll just back off. They may not even know how to deal with you.

This quick dismissal also says they’re not interested in what you’re bringing to them in that moment. And if they don’t want to deal with you and your needs now, they most likely won’t want to deal with them later, either.

It’s essentially a way of shutting you down—stonewalling. And it’s not the greatest phrase to use with a partner…I would suggest avoiding it in relationships.

But What if the Timing Really Isn’t Good?

There may be times when you are on the other end of the situation—your partner approaches you and it feels like a bad time for one reason or another.

However, there are plenty of ways to communicate this that come across as less dismissive, less discourteous, and more collaborative. At these times, the delivery—the how—can make all the difference for your partnership.

A much more diplomatic and relational way to get your point across would be to say, “I really want to hear what you have to say—but let me finish this work call first,” or whatever the case may be. Approaching your partner’s emotional upset with that kind of communication allows them to feel seen and recognized, and not dismissed or rejected.

Going back to the scenario where you’re on the receiving end, wouldn’t that kind of collaborative communication make a big difference for you?

Here’s a short video about this situation:

See It from the Other Person’s Viewpoint

If your partner shows they are still interested in your feelings and emotions, even if the conversation needs to be delayed, you’ll undoubtedly feel more emotionally seen and heard than if you were shut down or shut out. Compassion and understanding can go a long way toward building a strong relationship foundation.

So, the next time you might want to tell your partner, “Now’s not a good time,” remember how you would feel hearing that phrase. Remind yourself to add to the statement and encourage future collaborative communication. Let your partner know you’re not ignoring them, and chances are good they’ll do the same for you in the future.

Are you interested in learning three keys to helping you work through conflict with good communication? Check out our free training on the subject here.
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Photo Credit: Sammy Williams – Unsplash

What Is the Definition of Secure Attachment?

The desire to experience secure relationships is universal. Most likely, we have all experienced a relationship where something didn’t feel quite right. At times, it can be hard to pinpoint, but our behaviors can be traced back to the way we were raised and the way we experienced attachment to our caregivers. Ideally, we experienced a secure attachment that gave us a healthy foundation for our lives. So what does a secure attachment relationship look like?

What Is Attachment?

Let’s start with the definition of attachment on its own. Essentially, attachment is the bond that forms between caregiver and child, and it begins at a very young age. Your caregivers—whether they were parents or otherwise—and the way they took care of you set the trajectory for your relational destiny.

Most caregivers and parents do the best they can to take care of their kids with the tools they have at the time. Sometimes, parents can get so distracted, busy, or emotionally challenged that they aren’t meeting all the child’s needs. This can apply to physical, emotional, psychological, and relational needs—the child may feel neglected in some way, and this situation can create what is called an insecure attachment.

The opposite is also true: when the parent or caregiver makes the child feel physically and emotionally safe, loved, and comforted, a secure attachment is formed. In my view, there are four basic elements of a secure attachment make it easy to remember (these are modified slightly from attachment science and the work of Dr. Dan Siegel).

The Four S’s of Secure Attachment

In every adult relationship, each partner has needs that they hope to have met in order to create a secure attachment, and most of them fall under the umbrella of these four main needs.

Safe: you feel emotionally safe in the relationship
Seen: you feel seen by your partner
Soothed: you feel soothed when you’re upset
Supported/challenged: you feel like your partner believes in you, has your back, sets boundaries for you, and challenges you. They urge you toward things that are beneficial for you.

In parent-child relationships, it’s the parent’s job to meet these four needs. They are one way. It’s never a child’s job to meet a parent’s needs. Of course, no parent or caregiver is perfect—and even in a secure attachment situation, there will be arguments, disconnections, stress, tantrums, etc. But the difference in a secure attachment is that the parents work to repair the issue and lead the child to reconnection and resolution in the relationship.

Attachment in Adult Relationships

So, when you bring your attachment style into your adult relationships, it works in largely the same way as in parent-child relationships. But rather than it being more of a one-way street, the relationship is more equitable, partner to partner.

When you’re in a relationship where you experience secure attachment, you and your partner meet each other’s needs. You help each other feel safe, seen, soothed, and supported. Then, when you have a disagreement or disconnection, you both return and reconnect in such a way that rebuilds the relationship from the rift. Working to repair the issue on both sides allows you to relax, let down, and feel free to be yourselves and open up to your partner again.

On top of that, you feel comfortable knowing your partner believes in you and supports you—and challenges you to be your best self. Knowing that your partner is there for you helps you face issues and support them in theirs.

Here’s a video on secure attachment:

Secure Attachment in a Relationship Begins Within You

Being in a securely attached relationship starts with one key element within each person: self-reflection. Research shows that the biggest predictor of secure attachment is a person’s ability to take a look at their relational history—the challenges, traumas, experiences—and learn from them, grow, and make meaning from them. These are vital to fostering a secure attachment.

If we don’t take the time or energy to self-reflect, we won’t feel like we’re able to let our guard down—thus, the attachment won’t be secure on either side. The critical component of self-reflection increases your capacity for security and allows both partners to feel safe and secure, perpetuating a healthy and fulfilling two-way relationship.

To learn three keys to resolving conflict in relationships, click here to sign up for a free training.
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Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez – Unsplash

How Do I Know if I Have Resentment?

Resentments, if not dealt with, can cause numerous problems in a relationship. But it’s easy to talk about resentments, yet not always so easy to identify them. What exactly does it look and feel like to have resentment?

I once coached a couple who, after ten years of marriage, were both resenting each other for various reasons. The husband, who had been unwilling to communicate his feelings to his wife over the years, had been taking out his anger on her unwittingly.

The wife, of course, resented his treatment of her—but in the end, she truly had no idea of the reasons for his anger or why he held on to it. But I could see the light bulb turn on as she remembered something helpful.

As it turned out, her husband’s mother had warned her even before they’d gotten married. “He’s like a volcano,” she had said. “He just lets it bubble up underneath until one day he erupts.” Unfortunately, the wife found out just how true that statement was.

Had the husband brought up issues in the relationship periodically as they arose, the volcanic eruptions could and most likely would have been avoided. So, what would I have told the couple if I’d coached them years earlier?

How to Tell if You’re Harboring Resentment

The first clue that you’re experiencing a resentment is your frustration. After talking to or being with your partner, if a conversation leaves you feeling irritated or like you’re being treated unfairly, it’s a good idea to stop and consider what about the interaction bothered you—especially if you realize you’ve been irked for quite a while.

You may find yourself judging the other person in your mind. If you hang up the phone or a Zoom call—or even end a text chat—and you notice yourself thinking judgmental thoughts toward them, that’s a resentment.

For those low-stake relationships in your life, those people who aren’t in your immediate circle, that’s not such a big deal. But if it’s your partner, it’s something that needs to be addressed. When you withhold these feelings, it’s disrespectful to the person and to the relationship.

Here’s a quick video about resentment:

Resentment Creates a Toxic Relationship Environment

There can be any number of reasons you might feel like withholding is necessary in the moment. You might be afraid the other person will be upset or even end the relationship. Maybe you don’t want to “create waves.” More than likely, you just don’t want your partner mad at you.

But the truth is, the waves you’re creating below the surface can turn into a tsunami later on.

Holding back your feelings in your relationship serves only to create an environment where your true self-expression can’t flourish. Once you have identified those feelings of resentment to do something about it as soon as possible so you can avoid a more intense situation in the future.

Resentment Remedy

The quick and easy remedy for resentment: speak up! Not only will being truthful make you feel better, it will build trust and show respect for your partner. The result is a solid foundation to the relationship where you both feel comfortable expressing your feelings honestly.

Speaking up shows that you truly care for the other person in the relationship—and that you want to work out the smaller issues so they don’t become bigger ones. You can’t control their reaction to your words, but what you can do is see the situation for what it is: a growth opportunity.

Allow yourself and your partner that opportunity for growth by becoming more aware of your feelings and communicating them. You will be more prepared for future situations, and you’ll give your partner the chance to learn about you as well.

If you’d like to learn three important insights to help you work through disagreements and communicate better or learn how to clear a resentment, sign up for my free training here.
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Photo Credit: KS KYUNG – Unsplash