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Advice For When You Get Hurt

We get hurt, right? You’ve been hurt, I’ve been hurt. You’ve hurt other people and other people have hurt you. At one point in our lives, every single human being on this earth has been hurt by someone. So, what should you do when you get hurt? Read on, as I have some advice for when you get hurt.

I want to share a disclaimer about the type of hurt I’m talking about. I get people asking me, “Are you saying I’m in an abusive relationship, and getting hurt is okay?” I’m not talking about abusive relationships. That’s a different topic. I’m here to coach you through ‘normal’ relationship hurt. And sometimes that hurt comes from a co-worker, a family member, an intimate partner, your child, or a parent.

If you have a fantasy that good relationships mean you never get hurt, you’re in for a world of hurt because that’s not how relationships work.

So, what can you do in these situations? Nonetheless, ignoring the pain and avoiding the person who hurt you might work for a short time. But good relationships include pleasure and pain. They include joy and sorrow. Here is some good advice to follow when you get hurt.

Repair and Reconnect

In a good relationship, how do we repair and reconnect after we hurt each other? In any type of relationship whether it’s a friendship, a partnership, or marriage after we hurt each other you both come back around and you clean up the mess.

That’s the hallmark of a good relationship. Both people take responsibility for what caused the other person to get hurt and you figure out a way to move forward.

But sometimes after we get hurt in a relationship, we avoid each other and think that we’re never going to open up to anyone ever again. Well, we can’t close ourselves off from emotional pain forever. Conflict is inevitable. It’s the way you both handle conflict that will get you through the emotional pain.

I want to share one of my favorite quotes from poet Maya Angelou, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” I think what she means is you’re going to get hurt again in a month, in a year, and in five years, but that’s not enough of a good reason to not open your heart.

So have the courage to open your heart again even after you’ve been hurt by that last breakup, your current partner, even by your parents when you were a little kid. That is the best advice for when you get hurt – to continue to have the courage to open your heart to love.

Yes, you got hurt. It doesn’t disacknowledge or not acknowledge that. What I’m adding to Maya Angelou’s quote is, “Let’s open our heart again. And again and again.”

Here’s a short video on Advice For When You Get Hurt:

Have a supportive inner circle

I think it’s our responsibility in the context of intimate relationships and close friendships, if you’re in a relationship where you feel like you can’t open your heart, that is your problem.

Here is more advice for when you get hurt. You need to surround yourself with people who will actually accept you as you are. Along with challenging and supporting you to be who you are. That is a great relationship.

So my advice to you is to have enough courage to trust love one more time even after you’ve been hurt. You can do this because you’re lovable, you’re so worthy of love, just the way you are.

Even when you feel broken and feel hurt, sometimes it’s the hurt and the heartbreak that actually opens your heart to a deeper level of love.

That’s why staying in a relationship with people who hurt you and if both people are mutual, fair, kind, and willing, we can go so much deeper together. Because it’s like, “Oh, I hurt you and now I need to clean up and make it right again. And we do that for each other.”

Superficial relationships are okay to have in your concentric circles, but you are going to get hurt by your inner circle people. When you develop tools, understanding, and the capacity to work through conflict, you can have much more fulfilling relationships.

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Want more relationship help? Take our free virtual relationship workshop here.

Dating Post Divorce: Ten Tips for the Badass Divorcée Who’s Ready to Date Again

First off, my condolences and congratulations on your divorce.

You have been through hell, a war, an awakening, and nirvana all at once. I feel you! And now you’ve made it to the profoundly and sometimes disturbingly fascinating land of dating post divorce. If you have encountered a photo of a man on a dating site posing with a freshly caught fish, you are well on your way.

Perhaps you have perused an image of a woman triumphantly grasping a wine glass surrounded by her girlfriends in wine country. You have arrived! Okay, enough of the snark. Dating post divorce is severely vulnerable and easily anxiety-provoking. Highs and lows covertly adorn every corner.

The truth is that we are a uniquely flawed and perfect culture of humans who have had our hearts and families shattered and battered with a flavor of pain that only we know. Ironically, dating post divorce takes courage as we are putting ourselves out there for the first time with this unspoken ubiquitous reality among us, and feel pressure to do it confidently and with a smile on our faces, like we have our f*cking sh*t together. We do have our sh*t together, given the badassery required to come out on the other side of divorce. Let’s celebrate that!

Here are 10 things to consider as you embark upon this resplendently bittersweet and bizarre journey of dating post-divorce:

Learn your attachment style. You may wonder what that is—so take a listen to the Smart Couple podcast episode with Diane Poole here. Trust me, this will come in handy while dating post divorce, as you meet someone and almost instantly, you find yourself fantasizing about your wedding or, on the flip side, wanting to retreat to a cave in isolation.
Use your imagination. Allow yourself to create the “ideal dating scenario” or “ideal partnership” that you are looking to attract. Here is the fun part of dating post divorce: allow yourself to indulge creatively. You deserve the best scenario possible!
Expect to have feelings come up about your ex—that you may have thought were resolved. Perhaps you miss them, or compare new people to them, or feel a strong aversion to them as you meet others who feel like a much more appropriate fit. You may even find yourself wishing for your old life as you venture into a significant discomfort zone. The important to think to remember while dating post divorce is to resolve any old issues and move forward with a positive outlook.
Know your needs. I can’t preach this enough when dating post divorce. What are you willing to tolerate? What is a total deal-breaker? If something feels like it is crossing the boundary of your needs, honor the f*ck out of that! When something feels out of integrity with your needs, step back, and re-calibrate. This episode of the Smart Couple Podcast explores the 4 non-negotiable needs we all require for a secure partnership.
We will become fluent in rejecting and being rejected. So, for the love of humanity, be compassionate! Do not ghost people! Dating post divorce can get tricky. It might see like an easy solution to stop talking someone you had no chemsitry with, but ghosting is beyond painful and flat-out blows. Lead the conversation with vulnerability. “Thank you for the date. It is hard for me to say this (if, in fact, it feels hard) but I am just not feeling the connection that I am looking for.” Feel free to copy and paste this. I implore you to be transparent. If everyone practiced honest communication, we could create a dating revolution. Listen to Jayson’s talk on rejection here: “How to overcome Rejection in 2 steps.”
Most of us will experience a sexual reawakening. With dating post divorce, you get to choose exactly how you want that to look. Maybe you will have some casual fun. Perhaps you need an exclusive commitment and deep love to be sexual with someone. Once again, here is an opportunity to own your needs and be honest with yourself. Indeed, there will be uncomfortable cringe-worthy conversations about birth control, STD testing, and the list goes on.
Grief may erupt in the most unexpected situations. You could be out on the town enjoying your new singlehood one minute, and a moment later be haunted by memories of your old life. Dating post divorce brings up many emotions that hit you like a ton of bricks. Maybe you suddenly miss your kids when your house feels quiet and vacuous during their visits with your ex. It hurts with a searing ferocity. Allow yourself to feel the uniquely nuanced versions of pain. Something that was once familiar and precious is no longer there. Take all the time you need to emote, care for yourself, and grieve.
Expect a significant self-discovery phase. Dating post divorce is so much more than going out on dates. It is an education. The people you date all have vastly fascinating life stories. We have all seen some things in this phase of life! There is so much to learn—about yourself and another human—just by sitting across from each other on a casual coffee date. Be present to what unfolds. Notice how you feel in your body and mind when in another’s company.
We may activate old childhood wounds that have been dormant for a long time. Maybe you feel the urge to please in hopes to get the love that you want. Do you want to be a caretaker? Do you want to isolate and retreat because shame envelops you? Does being alone feel more attractive because you are fearful that no one can fully be there for you? Do you get triggered by someone’s needs or emotions? When it comes to dating post divorce, chances are all of these reactions are your old baggage coming to visit you. They say that we subconsciously seek out people to act out old emotional wounds with so they can show us what we need to heal.
Trust yourself! You will have advice coming at you from all directions. Regardless of what you hear from the outside, you know yourself best! Anything I write or that you hear from your friends or a therapist is inconsequential compared to your wisdom and intuition. Now is a perfect time to stand strong in your own innately unique resources. You’ve got this!

I wish you abundant peace and love in your dating post divorce journey! For more dating and relationship tips, check out the Relationship School Blog, by clicking here.

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash Find out more about Keri on Facebook to see the amazing work she’s doing as a Relationship Coach!

A Simple 4 Step Process for Resolving Conflict

Fighting is an unpleasant but unavoidable part of any marriage or close relationship. So if you want to maintain your relationship, you’re going to have to learn how to resolve a fight or disagreement in a constructive and validating way.

According to the Thomas-Kilmann Model, people tend to take one of five basic approaches to conflict resolution.

Avoiding
Accommodating
Compromising
Competing
Collaborating

You can take less healthy approaches that include engaging in competition, avoiding the problem entirely, or accommodating your partner by sacrificing your essential wants and needs. Or, you can take more constructive, win-win approaches to conflict resolution such as deep listening and collaborating.

4 Steps for Conflict Resolution

To help you take the high road while resolving conflict, here’s a simple 4-step process to follow. If you’re going to get in a fight (and you inevitably will), here’s what you can do for a mutually beneficial resolution.

Step 1: Number. This number represents your emotional state in terms of your relationship at any given time. I recommend using a scale of 0 to 10 with 0 being full connection and feeling that you are well-loved and have a heart that is readily available. By contrast, 10 represents feelings of deep anger, fear, and resentment that have been triggered by your partner. If your number is above a 5, you’ll likely be in a state of “fight, freeze or flight.” Your number is a great way to assess and understand your own feelings. It can also be useful for partners to share their numbers with each other. I also do this in our NEST meditation.

Step 2: Get Their World. This means understanding your partner and where he or she is coming from. This requires a significant amount of commitment, concentration, and control. Remember, in order to better understand another person’s point of view, it is often necessary to put your own point of view aside.

Step 3: Validation. This entails gaining a deep understanding of your partner’s motivations and the origins of their thoughts and feelings. These origins can be anything from your own words and behaviors to family histories and past traumas. By recognizing and empathizing with your partner in this way, you give credence to their actions as well as their wants and needs.

Step 4: Ownership. Simply put, ownership involves taking responsibility for the ways in which you participated in the conflict dynamic. This might mean admitting that you acted with a lack of integrity, treated your partner unfairly, or have inadvertently hurt your partner.

Watch this short video to get more on the 4 steps and resolve a fight instead of letting those feelings fester.

To learn even more about resolving conflict through our proven process, get on our wait list or sign up for our Accepted & Connected live virtual event here. You can also dive deeper into quickly resolving differences and disagreements in this free online workshop.

Setting Boundaries with Dysfunctional Family Members

Family dynamics are complicated. This is an area many people find challenging, but it really is the root of who we are. These are the first people who populated your world and dealing with them as an adult can be tough. Whether you had an extremely abusive childhood or one with just a couple of small hiccups along the way, interacting with the original players in your life can sometimes be tricky. As children, we get this chronic download of how to do relationships from these people and the outcome isn’t always pleasant.

Defining Dysfunctional and Setting Boundaries

The term ‘dysfunctional’ is different for each person, but the journey of setting boundaries with family members is just as crucial. For you, the trouble might be with a bossy older sister or an alcoholic, workaholic father. Someone else might have a mother who is alright on the surface but very emotionally unavailable. You might have good boundaries outside your family of origin. But the moment you return home for the holidays or a family vacation, that all goes out the window and you fall into the same patterns you’ve experienced your entire life—like going back in a time machine. According to Terri Cole, a friend who I’ve interviewed a few times on the podcast, people just don’t have the language with their family members to speak truthfully. Adult children sometimes don’t always voice their opinions and take care of themselves to put these boundaries in place which creates problems in the long haul.

Why Setting Boundaries is Important to the Relationship and Your Sanity

In order to set boundaries, you really have to question the status quo. Is what you are doing what you really want to do or are you doing it to please someone else? Do an inventory by asking yourself what has sucked for years? What is a toxic situation that you’ve dealt with for a long time and how can you make a change? The key is to look at things from your grownup self and decide if you really need to do what you’re being asked to do—whether it is the whole family having Christmas morning at grandma’s house or going to a beach vacation at a house with black mold that can affect your health. It could be something even smaller like forgoing a family tradition to do something that your kids really want to do, but you haven’t had the opportunity to enjoy because of not setting boundaries with certain members of your family. Of course, situational boundaries like who goes where for what holiday are easy. But how do you tell if you haven’t set any or enough boundaries with family members? Resentment is usually a key indicator. You keep letting them control you and tell you what to do. This is where you have to take a step back and remember that you’re the adult here. You have the power and it might be pretty unconscious to just go along with what they are asking, but the truth is that you don’t have to betray yourself like this. You have to look at your grown-up self and ask… Do I really need to do this? And what does it cost me? – Terri Cole

Walking Away from Conversations with Difficult Family Members

We’ve all been there. We see family members at holidays or on vacations for the first time in a few years and we get questions about when we are getting married. Or having babies. Or getting a new job. The list goes on, but you get the point. These are things we really don’t want to discuss with people we barely interact with in our adult lives. Instead of punching Aunt Bertha in the face for asking a crazy rude or intrusive question, there are a few things you can do to avoid these conversations. 1.Question the Questioner’s Question. Don’t answer and instead use cues to keep from giving them the satisfaction of your answer. Mirror the question and you can use humor if you need to. When you flip the question around from a paradigmatic point of view, you are taking back the power and setting that boundary. Remember, you don’t need to justify squat to people. For example, “Are you really asking me this right now in front of our entire family?” 2. Use Humor to Deflect. This is a fun way to turn the power dynamics around, but it largely has to do with your personality and individual wit. If a family member asks you when you’re finally getting married, provide a humoristic response like, “Wait. You didn’t get your invitation?” Doing so gives you control back while letting the other person know that maybe their question wasn’t as appropriate as they initially thought it was. 3. You Have Permission to Exit Conversations. Remember, you are an adult. You have permission to avoid any conversation that is intrusive or rude or that you simply don’t want to have. There’s no standard to have to be the “good” person and be polite if it doesn’t make you comfortable.

Take a Break and Avoid Family Situations Altogether

Remember, you do have the choice to avoid these situations altogether. Skipping out one the holidays or events to save your sanity is definitely an option—it still communicates a message about boundaries, just not as clearly. With a family that is super toxic, this is one way to cut off ties and make it easier to thrive without their input. But if the family dysfunction you’re experiencing isn’t that drastic, it might be better to just establish your own dominance through better communication.

Wrapping It Up

So, what do you do when you have this dysfunctional relationship with individual family members or people in your life as a whole? It is important to remember that you’re the grownup here and that your actions and words set the tone for how these interactions go. Setting boundaries and being clear about what you’re willing to do or discuss is important—not just for the time period you’re around family, but also your own peace of mind. Get ready to learn more with online classes from The Relationship School.

5 Signs You’re in An Insecure Relationship

Whether it’s about dinner reservations or dirty socks in the middle of the floor, arguments in relationships happen. Some come and go as quickly as the wind. But others, well, they leave us feeling like the relationship is on shaky ground. Or even that the relationship may be over.

While that feeling may seem to have come from a single conversation, that’s typically not the case. The relationship may not have been stable all along, and the fight was just the straw that really broke the proverbial camel’s back — and made it feel as if your relationship world was doomed.

Yes, it’s an awful feeling. It might even feel hopeless, but it’s not. You can do something about it. The first thing you want to do is review your relationship to check for these five signs to see if your partnership is truly insecure. This will help you eliminate unnecessary fights and second guessing.

Defining ‘Insecure’

Before we dive into the five signs of an insecure relationship, let’s nail down what we mean by insecure. We’re not talking about those insecure feelings we all get from time to time, feelings usually associated with having to do something that we are not good at being thrown in the middle of a ballet class. Unless you’ve had ballet training in the past, you’re likely to feel a bit insecure if you were suddenly asked to start spinning around on your toes. So no, we’re not talking about that kind of insecurity.

We’re talking about feeling insecure in an intimate partnership. Feeling that the relationship is unstable, shaky or on shaky ground. You know what it feels like to come home to a shaky foundation. Or get in a fight during a date, then feel like the relationship is just crumbling. You start to question the entire relationship:

Do I want to be with this person?
Does this person want to be with me?

This type of insecurity is all about attachment, which is a bond we create with a life partner. When this attachment bond is insecure, it causes a lot of stress and a lot of problems. In short, it sucks.

Now we can get to the five signs that can help you determine if that’s where your relationship is at.

#1: You’re Not Emotionally Safe and Relaxed

Instead of feeling emotionally secure and calm, you experience the opposite. You feel tense, tight, distant, shut down, withdrawn. You feel “off.” You know that feeling of off, as if something is just not right. Well, what’s not right is the relationship.

That’s because you don’t feel like you can open your heart and be vulnerable. You’re too afraid of how the other person may react — or that they’ll hurt you if you give them a glimpse of your vulnerability.

This feeling of being emotionally unsafe may crop up once in a while, but it’s really a problem when that’s how you feel in your relationship every day. If the overall vibe in the relationship doesn’t feel safe, the relationship is likely an insecure one.

#2: You Don’t Feel Seen

Another sign of an insecure relationship is not feeling seen or known for who you are. You feel like a ghost or, worse yet, invisible. Some of us may have grown up in families where children didn’t feel seen by the big people. That’s a painful place.

In such cases, we came up with strategies to get seen, to get noticed, and to get loved. Our strategies helped, but they were not always positive strategies and in fact, later in life, they can get in our way.

#3: You Don’t Feel Reassured After A Fight

Fights, arguments, and distance happen. We’re human, and humans tend to disagree from time to time. The problem comes if you don’t feel calmed or soothed after a disagreement or rupture in the connection. In a stable relationship, both partners want to make it right, make it better. So, they’re coming back to the table with what they’re willing to do to make that happen.

In an insecure relationship, you might be giving this, but not receiving it. You’re getting silence. Distance, resistance or blame. You’re left in an open-ended lurch that may not feel like it has a resolution. That breeds insecurity for sure. When fights continue to not get repaired over and over, you’ll end up with insecurity all over the place.

#4: You Don’t Feel Supported or Challenged

Healthy relationships challenge you and they support you. Not with a confrontational challenge, but with a challenge that would have you be your best self. In the case of insecurity, your partner is not someone who is cheering you on to be your best. They’re absolutely fine with your mediocrity. Rather than encouraging you to move onward and upward, they may instead want you to chill and stay stuck in your comfort zone or victim seat. You might hear something like: “Can’t we just watch TV and relax here?”

In a secure partnership, both partners support each other by believing in each other and helping each other reach individual goals and dreams.

#5: You Feel Like You Can’t Express Yourself

While the second sign involves not feeling seen for who you are every day, this last one deals with feeling like you can’t express your truth. You feel stifled, like you can’t be you. Who knows how the other person may react? You could be ridiculed, shunned — or worse (if there is a worse thing than ridiculed and shunned).

Imagine a relationship where you can’t express what you want? Ouch. A lot of us grew up on families like that and now we’re with a partner where we hold back our truth? Yikes. This serves to create more insecurity.

So Now What?

Now that you may have spotted one or more of these signs in your own relationship, the first inclination may be to blame your partner for this. You might automatically proclaim that THEY make you feel this way. It’s THEIR fault you don’t feel emotionally safe, seen, supported, challenged or able to express yourself.

But hold on… That’s the habitual victim stance. The work for you is to not play the victim and instead do something about it in a way you’ve never tried before.

Let’s assume your old way doesn’t work. So, try a new way?

Be sure to listen to this podcast here on reclaiming your needs. Doing so will help you move from an insecure to secure partnership.

If you’re somehow stifling your truth, that’s your problem. If you think someone is going to hurt you if you express your truth, it may be better to move on. If you are with someone very unsafe, you must learn to get out of that relationship, or you’ll remain trapped in hurtful relationships.

You have a role in all this. In fact, you have a responsibility. Your job is to own your needs for security, become a relational leader, to learn, grow and develop yourself so you can contribute to and enjoy the secure relationship we all deserve.

As kids security should be given. But as adults security is earned, not given, so we must learn how to create a partnership that is mutually loving and secure.

Get started now with classes from The Relationship School’s virtual weekend workshop Accepted & Connected.

How To Stop Fighting and Arguing In a Marriage

Arguing and fighting with your spouse can seem like a never ending cycle. You spend hours yelling and being unkind to one another. After things calm down, you may go hours or even days without speaking. It’s no way to live and a loop you need to break.

You CAN break the argument cycle. It takes patience, self-reflection and humility. The next time you find yourself in what seems like an endless fight, try this simple three-step process.

Call a Time Out

Don’t allow yourself to become stuck in an argument. Take a break. You might even give a hand signal to your partner indicating you need a time out. A visual gesture is a signal to your partner’s brain that something is different.

After you’ve called the time out, leave the room and go somewhere quiet where you can think and reflect.

Identify Your Feelings and Feel Them

Stepping away from the argument is not time to watch TV or scroll Facebook. It’s time to deal with yourself and seek clarity about your feelings. Specifically, you need to identify your feelings and determine what’s triggering them.

On the surface, you’ll probably feel anger, but if you look deeper, you’ll probably identify other emotions. Fear? Anxiety?

Spend some time meditating or quietly thinking. Reflect on how you’re feeling. Once you’ve identified your emotions, you can investigate what’s causing you to feel this way. Is it something from your past making you feel vulnerable? Are you equating your partner’s behavior with a particularly negative experience in your life?

When you clearly know what’s triggering your behavior, it’s time to move to the last step.

Here is a simple and free mediation you can download to calm down during your next fight or rupture.

Return Quickly and Repair

Tell your partner you’re ready to talk. If he or she isn’t ready, suggest a time when the two of you can reconvene. Instead of blaming your partner, talk about your feelings and what specifically caused you to become triggered. Explain what behavior or circumstance led you to react in such a negative way. But don’t place any blame on your partner. Make sure he or she understands that you recognize this trigger is yours to overcome. Make it a point to tell him or her that you’re working to improve your reaction.

Here’s a very thorough, and more detailed explanation, on how to repair.

If fighting and arguing are causing problems in your marriage, let us help. It’s a fantasy to think that fighting will somehow never happen if you meet the right person or find the one. Instead of that magical thinking, invest in learning how to work through conflict.

Take our virtual workshop on conflict here. Or hire a certified coach to help you stop the argument cycle and get the kind of relationship you’ve always wanted.