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Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Even in the best of situations, relationships can be difficult. Most people would agree that they aren’t the easiest thing in the world to navigate, no matter how compatible you feel you and your partner are.

But there are some within the personal growth movement who adopt the school of thought that relationships should be easy—that it’s negative or pessimistic to say that they’re difficult. In fact, differing opinions on the subject frequently lead to debate.

I often say, though, that long-term relationships are complicated and hard. Marriage is probably the hardest. There are reasons I say that, so let’s take a little deeper look into whether relationships should be hard or easy.

Relationships Aren’t Easy—and “Easy” Is Relative

For someone who grows up with a secure attachment, as my wife and I have worked toward building with our own kids, relationships should be more straightforward. We place a high value on relationship and do our best to impart that value to our kids. That way, when they enter into long-term relationships as adults, it will be easier for them—but easy, like everything, is relative.

For the vast majority of us, relationships nowadays are a lot more complicated. A lot of us probably feel like we’re not easy to love. We often get triggered and upset in a stressful situation, and that’s where the complications begin.

There are a lot of factors involved, like our history and our childhood…past breakups and baggage…experiences we’ve had. And keep in mind it’s the same for your partner, which further convolutes adult relationships. Most of us wonder at some point, “Why is love so hard?”

Issues Have to Be Dealt with, Especially in Difficult Relationships

The good news is that when these issues come up—and they will come up at some point—it provides you with an opportunity for growth and healing. We all have emotional pain and injuries that probably aren’t dealt with, and of course, dealing with them is much healthier than avoiding them.

That’s why long-term relationships are a path to personal transformation as long as you approach challenges as a student. Each challenge gives you an opportunity to learn about yourself, your partner, and your relationship together.

As you start to communicate your needs, learn how to repair well after a conflict, and learn what works and doesn’t work for your partner, you create an incredible playground for you to build on.

But you know what? It’s work!

Here’s a quick video on the difficulty of relationships:

Challenge Always Leads to Growth

Relationships are complicated. Think of a relationship like a workout—yoga, CrossFit, Pilates, any type of workout. I don’t know any fitness person who would say their workout is easy. Otherwise, why would they do it?

Without challenge, there’s no progress. If you walk away from a workout without breaking a sweat or using a muscle, what’s the purpose of doing it?

As any weight lifter will tell you, once you get to the point where your workout is easy, it means you need to add more weight. If it’s easy, you’re doing something wrong. The point is to challenge yourself and grow—to become stronger in every way.

That’s the essence of a growth-oriented person—someone who loves to learn about themselves and challenge themselves to grow and keep growing.

Yes, Relationships Are Complicated, but Work Leads to Reward

So, if you approach relationships with the same mindset as you approach workouts, I think that’s a solid view. Are you a growth-oriented person? Are you ready to face challenges and continue on a path of self-understanding?

If you want to reap the benefits of your workouts—namely, health and strength, among other things—then you have to work for it in the long term. You have to stay on top of it and keep working for it.

And the same is true for difficult relationships. Relationships aren’t easy, but you can only reap the benefits as long as you’re willing to put in the work.

Later on, you’ll be thrilled to show off those toned and bulging relationship muscles—but keep adding that weight little by little to keep growing.

If you’d like to learn three keys to resolving conflict and disagreement quickly, check out this free training.
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Photo Credit: Odonata Wellnesscenter – Pexels

The Four Best Words to Say When Comparing Yourself to Others

It’s super easy to do: open social media, scroll, and feel bad about yourself.

Why does this happen? Well, it’s because we’re all human. We do it subconsciously—comparing our lives to the standout moments and achievements others post on their feed.

It’s important to remember, though, that just because a person’s life looks like it’s better, that doesn’t mean it actually is. Chances are, that person is scrolling through the same feed and feeling bad about themselves, too.

So how do we avoid the comparison trap?

Comparison is Natural, but Unhealthy

First, keep in mind that comparison is normal. There’s no judgment here, and don’t judge yourself for it. There’s no “comparison off” switch that will allow us to stop.

It’s pretty easy to say, “Just stop comparing yourself to others.” It’s also easy to say, “Stop judging others.” Not gonna happen. It’s human nature, and we’re all going to do it.

What we can do, though, is prevent ourselves from getting caught in the rut—the cycle of shame and doubt that leaves us feeling worthless. We don’t need to let any day be ruined by choosing to compare—because yes, it is our choice.

Instead, let’s choose to say four key words that will release us from the comparison trap.

Four Words to Remember

When you catch yourself comparing and start to feel shame, stop and say these four words:

“That’s not my path.”

Because it’s not—you have a different life, a different journey and destiny. Besides, you can’t possibly go down all the paths. You’re only one person—and so are they. It might look like they’re having a wonderful life, but they may be miserable.

So keep in mind those four words and train yourself to speak them before you go into that trap. Even better, mentally (or with the “like” button) applaud their efforts and achievements—all the while telling yourself, “That’s not my path.” And it’s okay that it’s not.

Apples Will Never Be Oranges

Another thing that’s important to remember about comparison is that your values and the values of others aren’t going to be the same.

Whether you’re seeing a person heavily into fitness or healthy eating or with seemingly unending money…keep in mind that their motivation and inspiration are different than yours.

Maybe they’ve spent years working on weight lifting, inherited money that allowed them to buy nice things, or worked their butt off to get where they are. Regardless, the things they’ve chosen to put their time, money, and energy into aren’t going to be the same things you’ve chosen.

Remember the rule of apples and oranges. No matter the area, there will always be someone better than you—and you’ll always be better than someone else, too. That’s why comparison is futile.

Oranges can’t be apples no matter how hard they wish for it. That person who has muscles for days or a fancy car is probably feeling like an orange in a world full of apples, too.

Here’s a short video on comparison:

Accept Your Path or Change It—But for You

If you’re truly wanting to invest in some area of your life to empower yourself, to better your mental health and well-being, then decide whether you want to put in the time and effort—for you. If you’re in pain and your well-being matters to you in that area, by all means, go for it, but not to upstage or spite someone else.

Just remember there’s no need to compare your life to a two-second social media snapshot that people scroll through and forget. Find and commit to your path and let apples be apples.

If you would like to learn how to help someone struggling with self-comparison, sign up for our free training here.
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Photo Credit: Jason Briscoe – Unsplash

When Someone Says “Now’s Not a Good Time”

Have you ever approached your partner and asked them something only to have them fire back, “Now’s not a good time”…?

Hearing that typically doesn’t feel great, right? It’s a pretty good indication that the person is experiencing some irritation. Although that irritation may not be specifically directed at you, what your partner is doing is putting up a wall between you that probably makes you feel even more upset.

In some ways, it’s okay for the person to let you know the timing isn’t the greatest for them. They do have a right to put up a boundary, especially if they’re already stressed or overwhelmed with other things.

The key is, though, that they need to reassure you they’ll return to the conversation in the near future. And this would be evident with a few small changes to the way they get their feelings across to you.

So what would be a better option than “Now’s not a good time”—for the sake of communication and the feelings of the partner?

What Are They Really Saying?

When you bring your partner your emotions and their response is “Now isn’t a good time,” they’re communicating to you that they don’t want to deal with you—and probably hoping you’ll just back off. They may not even know how to deal with you.

This quick dismissal also says they’re not interested in what you’re bringing to them in that moment. And if they don’t want to deal with you and your needs now, they most likely won’t want to deal with them later, either.

It’s essentially a way of shutting you down—stonewalling. And it’s not the greatest phrase to use with a partner…I would suggest avoiding it in relationships.

But What if the Timing Really Isn’t Good?

There may be times when you are on the other end of the situation—your partner approaches you and it feels like a bad time for one reason or another.

However, there are plenty of ways to communicate this that come across as less dismissive, less discourteous, and more collaborative. At these times, the delivery—the how—can make all the difference for your partnership.

A much more diplomatic and relational way to get your point across would be to say, “I really want to hear what you have to say—but let me finish this work call first,” or whatever the case may be. Approaching your partner’s emotional upset with that kind of communication allows them to feel seen and recognized, and not dismissed or rejected.

Going back to the scenario where you’re on the receiving end, wouldn’t that kind of collaborative communication make a big difference for you?

Here’s a short video about this situation:

See It from the Other Person’s Viewpoint

If your partner shows they are still interested in your feelings and emotions, even if the conversation needs to be delayed, you’ll undoubtedly feel more emotionally seen and heard than if you were shut down or shut out. Compassion and understanding can go a long way toward building a strong relationship foundation.

So, the next time you might want to tell your partner, “Now’s not a good time,” remember how you would feel hearing that phrase. Remind yourself to add to the statement and encourage future collaborative communication. Let your partner know you’re not ignoring them, and chances are good they’ll do the same for you in the future.

Are you interested in learning three keys to helping you work through conflict with good communication? Check out our free training on the subject here.
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Photo Credit: Sammy Williams – Unsplash

Why Do Men Watch Porn?

Porn is an addiction for many, but why is it such a big deal? What’s the real reason men watch porn?

Sure, it’s easy to see the obvious: men like sex. Porn objectifies women, and men watch it because they enjoy it.

But that’s just what it looks like on the surface. The truth is, most men who struggle with porn are dealing with something else—something deeper. So what would that be?

Underlying Issues That Lead to Porn Use

Truthfully, porn isn’t really about sex or positions. It’s not about sexy women and it’s not about fantasy versus reality. A man who watches porn does it because he’s after two things:

The High from Porn

Dopamine is a powerful motivator. The hormones that surge through a man’s body aren’t too different from a teenager’s—and watching porn fuels those. Plus, it’s no secret that humans seek out things that provide dopamine surges.

The Release from Watching Porn

The second thing a man wants from using porn is to find relief. The release that comes from ejaculating is a natural follow-up to the high and a powerful stress reliever.

What is it that causes a man to seek out these two things through porn?

The first reason is that he feels disconnected, out of touch with himself. He probably also feels highly stressed, weighed down, and most likely emotionally constipated. He could even be experiencing a lot of emotional pain that he’s not dealing with.

So seeking out the high and then the release of watching porn and ejaculating provides him with a temporary escape that relieves all these issues momentarily.

Digging Deeper into Porn Addiction

The key to working through these issues is emotions. Since most men are taught at an early age to value themselves first, to disconnect themselves from relationships, and to avoid their feelings, their heart, and their sensitivity, they’re tied in knots.

That’s where the emotional constipation comes in. Emotions can get all knotted up just like the gut can, and neither situation is healthy.

As you can imagine, raging hormones can’t flow well through an emotionally knotted-up person. So they get built up, and that’s where the high and the release come in. Dopamine feels pleasurable, the hormones are released…and the man feels good.

But it’s only for a minute—sometimes just seconds.

Then, it’s back to the stress. Back to depression, anxiety, pain, and burdens.

The problems that got him there in the first place weren’t dealt with. Porn is nothing but a temporary distraction. Just like any other distraction, it doesn’t last.

Here’s a quick video about men who watch porn:

Learn to Be with Discomfort

In order to overcome the issues that prompt the porn escape, the man will need to get connected to himself to begin with. He needs to learn to feel the pain he experiences rather than running from it; be with discomfort; and process his emotions. When he learns to do this, he will be able to do intimacy and relationships in a healthy way.

Stress isn’t going to go away—it’s an inevitable part of life. But once a man can be with his own feelings and emotions, increasing his capacity to handle things in life, porn loses its luster. The mystery and seduction will fade because he will be better equipped to deal with things in life, and that high and release won’t have such a pull anymore.

If you’re a man who wants to deepen your relationships, get sexually empowered, and face life like a warrior, here’s a free training for you.
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Photo Credit: Bailey Torres – Unsplash

What Is the Definition of Secure Attachment?

The desire to experience secure relationships is universal. Most likely, we have all experienced a relationship where something didn’t feel quite right. At times, it can be hard to pinpoint, but our behaviors can be traced back to the way we were raised and the way we experienced attachment to our caregivers. Ideally, we experienced a secure attachment that gave us a healthy foundation for our lives. So what does a secure attachment relationship look like?

What Is Attachment?

Let’s start with the definition of attachment on its own. Essentially, attachment is the bond that forms between caregiver and child, and it begins at a very young age. Your caregivers—whether they were parents or otherwise—and the way they took care of you set the trajectory for your relational destiny.

Most caregivers and parents do the best they can to take care of their kids with the tools they have at the time. Sometimes, parents can get so distracted, busy, or emotionally challenged that they aren’t meeting all the child’s needs. This can apply to physical, emotional, psychological, and relational needs—the child may feel neglected in some way, and this situation can create what is called an insecure attachment.

The opposite is also true: when the parent or caregiver makes the child feel physically and emotionally safe, loved, and comforted, a secure attachment is formed. In my view, there are four basic elements of a secure attachment make it easy to remember (these are modified slightly from attachment science and the work of Dr. Dan Siegel).

The Four S’s of Secure Attachment

In every adult relationship, each partner has needs that they hope to have met in order to create a secure attachment, and most of them fall under the umbrella of these four main needs.

Safe: you feel emotionally safe in the relationship
Seen: you feel seen by your partner
Soothed: you feel soothed when you’re upset
Supported/challenged: you feel like your partner believes in you, has your back, sets boundaries for you, and challenges you. They urge you toward things that are beneficial for you.

In parent-child relationships, it’s the parent’s job to meet these four needs. They are one way. It’s never a child’s job to meet a parent’s needs. Of course, no parent or caregiver is perfect—and even in a secure attachment situation, there will be arguments, disconnections, stress, tantrums, etc. But the difference in a secure attachment is that the parents work to repair the issue and lead the child to reconnection and resolution in the relationship.

Attachment in Adult Relationships

So, when you bring your attachment style into your adult relationships, it works in largely the same way as in parent-child relationships. But rather than it being more of a one-way street, the relationship is more equitable, partner to partner.

When you’re in a relationship where you experience secure attachment, you and your partner meet each other’s needs. You help each other feel safe, seen, soothed, and supported. Then, when you have a disagreement or disconnection, you both return and reconnect in such a way that rebuilds the relationship from the rift. Working to repair the issue on both sides allows you to relax, let down, and feel free to be yourselves and open up to your partner again.

On top of that, you feel comfortable knowing your partner believes in you and supports you—and challenges you to be your best self. Knowing that your partner is there for you helps you face issues and support them in theirs.

Here’s a video on secure attachment:

Secure Attachment in a Relationship Begins Within You

Being in a securely attached relationship starts with one key element within each person: self-reflection. Research shows that the biggest predictor of secure attachment is a person’s ability to take a look at their relational history—the challenges, traumas, experiences—and learn from them, grow, and make meaning from them. These are vital to fostering a secure attachment.

If we don’t take the time or energy to self-reflect, we won’t feel like we’re able to let our guard down—thus, the attachment won’t be secure on either side. The critical component of self-reflection increases your capacity for security and allows both partners to feel safe and secure, perpetuating a healthy and fulfilling two-way relationship.

To learn three keys to resolving conflict in relationships, click here to sign up for a free training.
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Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez – Unsplash

How Do I Know if I Have Resentment?

Resentments, if not dealt with, can cause numerous problems in a relationship. But it’s easy to talk about resentments, yet not always so easy to identify them. What exactly does it look and feel like to have resentment?

I once coached a couple who, after ten years of marriage, were both resenting each other for various reasons. The husband, who had been unwilling to communicate his feelings to his wife over the years, had been taking out his anger on her unwittingly.

The wife, of course, resented his treatment of her—but in the end, she truly had no idea of the reasons for his anger or why he held on to it. But I could see the light bulb turn on as she remembered something helpful.

As it turned out, her husband’s mother had warned her even before they’d gotten married. “He’s like a volcano,” she had said. “He just lets it bubble up underneath until one day he erupts.” Unfortunately, the wife found out just how true that statement was.

Had the husband brought up issues in the relationship periodically as they arose, the volcanic eruptions could and most likely would have been avoided. So, what would I have told the couple if I’d coached them years earlier?

How to Tell if You’re Harboring Resentment

The first clue that you’re experiencing a resentment is your frustration. After talking to or being with your partner, if a conversation leaves you feeling irritated or like you’re being treated unfairly, it’s a good idea to stop and consider what about the interaction bothered you—especially if you realize you’ve been irked for quite a while.

You may find yourself judging the other person in your mind. If you hang up the phone or a Zoom call—or even end a text chat—and you notice yourself thinking judgmental thoughts toward them, that’s a resentment.

For those low-stake relationships in your life, those people who aren’t in your immediate circle, that’s not such a big deal. But if it’s your partner, it’s something that needs to be addressed. When you withhold these feelings, it’s disrespectful to the person and to the relationship.

Here’s a quick video about resentment:

Resentment Creates a Toxic Relationship Environment

There can be any number of reasons you might feel like withholding is necessary in the moment. You might be afraid the other person will be upset or even end the relationship. Maybe you don’t want to “create waves.” More than likely, you just don’t want your partner mad at you.

But the truth is, the waves you’re creating below the surface can turn into a tsunami later on.

Holding back your feelings in your relationship serves only to create an environment where your true self-expression can’t flourish. Once you have identified those feelings of resentment to do something about it as soon as possible so you can avoid a more intense situation in the future.

Resentment Remedy

The quick and easy remedy for resentment: speak up! Not only will being truthful make you feel better, it will build trust and show respect for your partner. The result is a solid foundation to the relationship where you both feel comfortable expressing your feelings honestly.

Speaking up shows that you truly care for the other person in the relationship—and that you want to work out the smaller issues so they don’t become bigger ones. You can’t control their reaction to your words, but what you can do is see the situation for what it is: a growth opportunity.

Allow yourself and your partner that opportunity for growth by becoming more aware of your feelings and communicating them. You will be more prepared for future situations, and you’ll give your partner the chance to learn about you as well.

If you’d like to learn three important insights to help you work through disagreements and communicate better or learn how to clear a resentment, sign up for my free training here.
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Photo Credit: KS KYUNG – Unsplash