How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Adult Relationships

If you’re unfamiliar with attachment styles, it refers to the way you relate to someone in a relationship—essentially, the blueprint for relationships that you learned as you were growing up. The way you were raised affects your adult relationships—a lot.

Your attachment style was taught to you from a very young age by your primary caregivers—and for most of us, for a number of years. The way your family dynamics worked plays a big part in the way your adult relationships work even if you don’t realize it.

So it’s important to take a look at a few things to determine your attachment style and see—just what does it mean for you now?

Main Attachment Style One: Avoidant

Thinking about your childhood, what was the environment like? If your family shamed you, neglected you, told you you were “wrong” all the time…or maybe they were controlling and always in your space…you probably learned to fend for yourself. That means you fall into the avoidant attachment style category.

Most likely, relationships in your family weren’t valued or seen as a resource for needs, so you learned early on not to rely on them. If something stressful or problematic happened, it probably never got dealt with or fixed.

Avoidant Adult

As an adult, you most likely find yourself withdrawing when you and your partner have a fight or if things get stressful. You retreat in order to protect yourself and aren’t thinking of the other person. Psychotherapist Stan Tatkin calls this style the “island,” the person who pulls away and wants distance. You probably feel like you don’t need anyone else, even though you do, and you tell yourself you’re good alone.

Main Attachment Style Two: Ambivalent

If you had a caregiver who was inconsistent—present and available sometimes and not others—you probably felt insecure and anxious. This attachment style is called the ambivalent style, the one Dr. Tatkin calls the “wave” style, because you’re up and down like a wave. When your caregiver was there, you were okay. But you knew at some point they would vanish again.

Ambivalent Adult

As an adult, you may have a fear of abandonment and feel anxious if your partner pulls away when you want to talk. You probably feel secure when your partner is available, but the moment they pull away, you worry that they’ll leave or that something is really wrong.

Here’s a short video on attachment style in relationships:

Notice Your Style

If you’re not sure of your style, think about your gut instinct when you and your partner fight. Is it to talk it out or to run away? Do you seek or avoid?

Typically, we attract a partner who is the opposite of us, so it should be pretty easy to determine which style each of you has adopted. It can be pretty frustrating if you aren’t aware of how to deal with it in your relationship. Not having the tools and skills to navigate it, in fact, can sabotage what otherwise is a good relationship.

But once you determine your style and your partner’s, that’s the first step to figuring out how to work through the differences as a team. When you’re aware of the dynamic, it’s important not to expect your partner to simply reverse the style that’s been present and instinctual to them for years. Change can happen—on both individuals’ parts—but it’s slow and steady, not a sprint. When you’re both willing to learn and work together, you can function and communicate successfully regardless of your contradictory styles.

If you’d like to learn more about your relationship now, take this free test.

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Photo Credit: Dimitri – Unsplash

How Attachment Impacts Kids’ Behavior in Modern Culture

Changes in parenting styles over time, even within the last twenty years, have led to changes in kids’ behavior and emotional health. Choosing healthy parenting methods is a must in order to develop strong relationships with your kids and help them learn to understand boundaries and respond to challenges. Attachment-based parenting involves creating an environment where kids feel safe and trust that the people around them will meet their needs, which helps them learn to show the same type of respect for others.

Changes in Kids’ Behavior in the Classroom

Many teachers and other adults have noticed that modern kids tend not to adhere to boundaries as closely as they did even twenty years ago. Although all kids are different, certain patterns have emerged that indicate that many kids are more distracted, less respectful, less able to listen in class, and less likely to follow classroom rules than they were in the past. Many of these changes are likely related to changes in parenting methods, which may impact how kids view their relationships with adults.

Increase in Mental Health Conditions in Kids and Teens

In addition to obvious changes in behavior, many kids and teens are experiencing more mental health issues than they did in the past. Anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems have skyrocketed among kids and teens in the last twenty years, and approximately ten million kids and teens under age 17 are currently taking medication for these conditions. These mental health challenges can often be linked to behavior problems, especially among teens.

Decrease in Resilience in Kids and Teens

Kids and teens also seem to be struggling with resilience more than they did in the past, which can make school, work, relationships, independence, and life in general more difficult. Decreased resilience may also make overcoming depression, anxiety, and struggles with identifying boundaries more challenging, Although resilience is difficult to quantify, studying how kids develop resilience may identify ways that parenting decisions when they are young can impact them throughout their lives.

Scientific Relationships Between Attachment and Behavior Challenges

Although it is difficult to scientifically study exactly how kids’ behavior has changed and pinpoint exactly what is causing it, many scientific surveys and statistics have indicated data-backed patterns related to differences in kids’ behavior, resilience, and mental health over the last twenty years. While it is a stretch to say without a doubt that parents are negatively affecting their kids, science does support correlations between changes in parenting methods and changes in average behavior among large groups of kids.

Impact of Parenting Methods on Behavior

Parenting methods, especially during the formative years, can have a significant impact on how kids view the world and themselves throughout childhood and into adulthood. In an effort to avoid fear-based parenting and make their kids like them more, modern parents may inadvertently make life more difficult for their kids by not teaching them enough about respect and boundaries from an early age.

Healthy attachment-based parenting utilizes mutual trust and respect as a foundation for understanding boundaries and proper behavior, rather than avoiding teaching these concepts, and children who do not have a sense of trust in and respect for the people around them often struggle to learn these concepts on their own. Many mental health problems in kids can also be linked to not having a solid understanding of what is expected of them and their place in their families, schools, and the world.

Research shows that kids who have what is called a “secure attachment” with their parents do better in just about every area of life. Read the work of Dr Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson or listen to a podcast here.

At The Relationship School, we are committed to helping parents learn how to build strong relationships with their children. Making intentional parenting decisions from the time your children are born is key when it comes to helping them develop proper behavior and healthy relationships of their own later on. Contact us today to learn more about how attachment-based parenting can help your kids thrive!

Click here to listen to the full podcast on the topic of attachment-based parenting.

The 4 Pillars of Attachment Based Parenting

Attachment based parenting consists of four distinct pillars that help kids develop healthy relationships with their parents and other adults. Kids who believe their parents are safe people to talk to and be around, feel seen and understood by their parents, and are soothed instead of ignored when they do have problems develop a secure attachment to their parents that builds their resilience and helps them succeed in life. Although it is important to remember that no parent will perfectly reach these ideals and mistakes will always be made, solid attachment based parenting ensures kids that you will be there to support them when they need it.

So, what are the 4 pillars of attachment based parenting? These are mildly adapted from Dr Dan Siegel, one of the leading authorities on attachment science and relationships.

Safety

First and foremost, attachment based parenting is built on making sure our kids have what they need to survive and thrive. Protecting children and helping them form healthy relationships with parents and other adults, rather than fearing them, helps kids feel safe at home, at school, and in life. Misguided attempts at having difficult conversations while parents are still angry can inadvertently trigger a fear response, and seeing parents as people to be feared instead of to attach to can confuse kids and cause them to want to avoid talking to their parents about problems in the future.

Seen

Kids need to know that their parents understand what they are thinking, rather than only what they physically see. It is important to remember that kids view many situations differently than adults do, and letting them know that you “see” what they feel helps them learn to think about what they are feeling and feel secure in knowing that you are willing to understand what they are thinking about. This “mindsight” helps kids improve their ability to manage their emotions in a healthy way to build their resilience and ability to relate to others.

Soothed

This pillar emphasizes the importance of letting kids know their feelings are valid. By taking the time to deeply listen to what your kids want to tell you, rather than simply hearing it, you can respond calmly and rationally. Being a dependable parent that your kids know they can count on to be there to support and soothe them when they need it helps them develop the ability to work through minor problems on their own instead of always having to ask for help or needing another person to help them feel better. It also reassures them that you will be willing to listen when they do have significant problems they need help with.

Supported & Challenged

Finally, children must feel supported and challenged. Support means the parent believes in who the child fundamentally is. Challenged means that the parent can hold consistent boundaries as well as pushing children to stretch their comfort zones and grow in every area of their life.

Secure relationships between parents and children build trust and strong communication that allow families to work through problems together. No parent will get everything right all the time. However, admitting and reflecting upon mistakes helps kids understand that missteps in these areas do not have to lead to fear and keeps the lines of communication open to talk about future misunderstandings before they become bigger problems.

At The Relationship School, we prioritize helping parents learn to develop healthy attachment based relationships with their children. Kids who feel safe, seen, soothed, and supported and challenged (the 4 pillars of secure attachment) develop security in who they are and in their relationships with their parents, which helps them build resilience, confidence, and the ability to form healthy relationships with others in the future. This model also helps them develop the ability to calmly discuss mistakes in these areas and other problems, rather than automatically getting defensive or excessively angry.

Want to listen to our full podcast on attachment-based parenting? Click here.

How To Heal After a Break Up & Get Back Together – Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath – 336

How can you get back together with your partner after breaking up?

As you’ll discover in my podcast from this week with Mark and Kylie, the trick isn’t just getting back together after a breakup, it’s getting back together as a team.

Getting back together after a breakup is the easy part, getting back together as a team is more difficult but ultimately more rewarding. It might take more work, but when you get back together as a team, you’re much more likely to actually stay together.

Don’t get stuck in the cycle of breaking up and making up. Center your journey towards a stronger and ultimately more stable relationship.

Mark and Kylie learned that the key to staying together is being honest, having integrity, being compassionate, recognizing and acknowledging each other’s truths, and communicating. For example, if you get back together with your partner after a breakup without making any changes and continue to be dishonest and uncompassionate while refusing to acknowledge your partner’s truths, needs, and values, that relationship will fail again.

Why put yourself, your partner, or both through a tortuous cycle of breaking up, getting back together, and breaking up again? Each breakup inflicts pain and lasting trauma on both parties. By avoiding that cycle, you both need to make an effort to commit to renewing and strengthening your relationship by confronting and fixing all of the issues that led to your breakup in the first place.

Couples that get back together without dealing with the issues that caused the breakup are at a much higher risk of relapsing into old behaviors and breaking up again because no effort was made to change those behaviors.

When you listen to my podcast with Mark and Kylie, you’ll see that they represent a major success story as a couple. They broke up, got back together, and stayed together.

That’s huge, and if your goal is to get back together with your partner after breaking up and strengthen your relationship as a team, you’ll want to hear what Mark and Kylie had to say…

Shownotes:

0:00 Introduction Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath
4:45: Explaining the reasons that caused their breakup.
12:45 Deciding to break up and how to do it.
18:00 Carrying issues from one relationship to another.
28:05 The evolution of their attachment dynamics
42:30 The process of reconciliation to get back together.
53:50 Final advice.
58:10 Action Step

Useful Links:

What Does Defensiveness Say About a Person’s Relationship Priorities?

Conflicts that are related to defensiveness can stem from a partner’s relational history. Taking the time to understand why a partner feels defensive is the first step in discussing and resolving the issue and understanding the different needs in a relationship.

Understanding Why a Person Feels Defensive

There are several possible issues that can lead to defensive reactions instead of productive conversations. Here are 3 of the most common reasons why a partner may feel defensive, all of which can make relationships more challenging if they are not addressed. The defensive partner should be willing to explore why he or she might be feeling defensive and the other partner should be willing to listen in order to gain a better understanding of one another.

Perceived Threat Based on Past

Perceived threats based on past issues are particularly common reasons why partners might feel defensive. Our perception of the situation at hand may feel different from reality based on challenges from our past, such as lingering feelings that we are not good enough for our partner, and simple questions can make it feel as though our partners are questioning everything we do for a negative reason. This tendency to link the current context with issues from the past creates an ongoing struggle between the threat in our minds that may not actually exist and the potential risk that continuing the conversation may involve. Check in with yourself. If you grew up with a critical parent, you’re going to be sensitive to feeling like you’re doing it “wrong” and likely get defensive.

Prefer to Ignore Past

Partners often prefer to ignore past issues instead of discussing them with each other. Not wanting to bring up the past can cause them to immediately shut down at the first hint that their partner may be about to bring up that issue. This type of defensiveness can cause the other partner to feel as though they are the one being shut down, rather than the past issue, and both partners need to work toward understanding the other’s perspective in order to move toward a more productive solution. Check in with yourself and see if you have any past lingering resentments.

Fear of Failure

Fear of failure is often linked to a lack of full trust in one’s partner. Not feeling as though it is safe to tell a partner everything can cause a defensive partner to simply hold onto possible fears instead of talking through them. Breaking down these invisible walls can take time as partners deepen their trust in one another. Check in and see if you have a trigger around failing.

Something Else is Prioritized

Regardless of the specific reason for defensiveness, something other than the partner is being prioritized. The defensive partner treats his or her fears, perceived threats, or desire to avoid the past altogether as more pressing than the needs of his or her partner, which can cause that partner to feel less important. Although the defensive partner does not, in most cases, actually believe that whatever is causing their defensiveness is a higher priority than their partner, the partner’s reaction to defensiveness can often make the situation even more complicated.

Although there are several potential reasons for defensiveness, most of them can be worked through. Patient, understanding conversations that prioritize learning about the partner’s point of view of a particular situation can help build compassion for the other partner and a deeper knowledge of how both partners’ actions are affecting the other partner. Once partners identify why they are feeling defensive and admit that they are subconsciously prioritizing that reason over their partner, conflicts can more easily be resolved. Contact The Relationship School today for more tips for working through conflicts in your relationship!

Being defensive is normal and understandable. However, staying defensive will kill any and all relationship potential. Go work on it!

View our entire podcast on long distance relationships, communication and defensiveness.